Honor: 54 [ Give / Take ]
20 entries this month
18:27 Aug 31 2008
Times Read: 971
I can't believe this is happening. I don't even know what to do or what to think. I feel like I'm losing my own child right now. I can't grasp this. I feel lost.
All I know is Uncle Bill is going to get his father. His mother is coming to get him and I don't want to let him go. If he goes, I'm probably not going to be able to see him again. I know she won't let him come back up here.
Hopefully Tim does something and steps up to the plate. I can only hope... I don't think he will though.
And Aunt Gina, please do not try to get in the middle of all this or let anyone know. They will find out in time. And we don't want this to be harder on him then it already is.
PRIVATE ENTRY
20:55 Aug 28 2008
Times Read: 974
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
My Feet03:57 Aug 27 2008
Times Read: 987
For people wondering about my feet, here you go...
This is how my feet regularly sit when I'm in a sitting position without holding my toes in like my therapists and doctor want me to.
If I continue walking on my toes, it will continue to deform my muscles in my feet and legs. It will also cause problems with my hips, back, and spinal cord.
Here is a picture of me trying to show the muscle deformity in my legs.
Now the braces...
I got them today. I have to wear them tonight. He warned me that I'm probably not going to be sleeping for the next few nights to a week. Each week I have to adjust them on the side to the next mark that he made. But I have to say, these things hurt like HELL! I will wear them but I don't like them.
Side View:
Front View:
If I can find my other camera, I will upload the pictures I have taken of my scars. I've had surgery before. I don't want it again. I remember all too well what the pain was like...
But anyway, I'm going to go outside and see the kitty, Shadow, that we've been feeding since last night, getting my night braces on, and hopefully getting some kind of sleep tonight. I have to be up by six o'clock so I can help my nephew. I will do an entry on that one tomorrow probably.
Night people.
04:02 Aug 25 2008
Times Read: 1,008
This is Glimmer.
Tonight, Glimmer died.
I feel horrible. I haven't really been able to stop crying all day. With my argument with Brett... I just gave in.
I don't feel loved. I don't trust people. I don't want to be alone. Yet, all day I've been alone. Thinking of harmful thoughts no matter what I've done. I still haven't ate anything other then five chicken fingers and chocolate. I don't really care to. Am I getting better or just getting worse?
And I'm alone yet again because friends of Brett ALWAYS come before me.
I feel desperate.
All day, I've seen him maybe 30 minutes, if that. I needed him. I didn't get it. I don't get the help I want or need.
The only person I'm feeling safe with and I can't get enough time alone with him to talk other then argue.
I just don't want to be here anymore.
I'm Not a Bowling Pin!
23:45 Aug 23 2008
Times Read: 1,020
I'm the luckiest in the world! Brett hit my heel-cord with a bowling bowl! Just my fuckin' luck! Can someone do the surgery now? It feels worse then getting my heel-cord cut and lengthened.
Thank god he's home tomorrow.
I was the perfect example of the reaction to pain they talk about in psychology classes!
The bowling ball hit, I lifted up my leg, I was stunned, my face went to the OMG pain look and then I started crying and losing it.
I don't know how else to describe it right now. I'm so out of it. My face is numb and my toes are numb. My scar is a purple color. The only thing I know right now is that my leg hurts. My back is swelling where my curvature is and I have a massive headache in the back of my head.
I feel so out of it. I want to cut. It would get my mind off my leg. I know I could probably get away with it. But Scotty is still on me and since he's fading, I drew another butterfly on my wrist named Glimmer. She's a striped colored butterfly. I want to get a picture.
My last thought in closing this is what the hell? He can't hit a pin down the lane but he can sure as hell hit my heel-cord dead on! I'm not a bowling pin! It's not going to up your score.
Wait, he was just trying to get me out of the game! That's it, wasn't it?! I know his motive now!
I'm going to bed or to Chris'. I want to his penis. Yay! Delilah said I could! Hehe!
Wow, that makes me sound like such a slut! But I want to see it cause it just got pierced!
03:16 Aug 23 2008
Times Read: 1,040
I'm debating about making my last entry from last night/early morning public. I don't know if I will. I know that some people that I would rather stay away from read my journal. I don't care to give them ammo to mess with my mind.
But I will say this much, I killed two butterflies last night. Speckles and Gittler died. But Twinkle and Mirage did survive. Two out of four isn't bad I guess. For some reason I do feel really guilty about it. I didn't think I would when I first put them on. Last night when it happened I wasn't thinking of course.
I have two new butterflies though. One on my chest named Star Dust after my D&D character who means a lot to me. And Scotty, who is located on the back of my hand.
Star Dust is almost faded away because pool therapy but I made sure to only get Scotty wet when necessary. I can't let Scotty die. I don't know if it was a good idea or not but that butterfly is named after my father.
I still feel guilty about leaving my dad the morning he died. I still cry about it and feel like I could have done more. I can't cut... not while this butterfly is on me. I can't kill the one named for my dad. I just can't. I don't think I would forgive myself.
I know that sounds horrible. It's a butterfly drawn with permanent marker. Why should it mean something to me? Because I'm using them to try to be good. I'm doing this with a friend.
After the two butterflies died last night, I left a message for her on YIM to let her know when she signed on. I messaged her and wrote my journal entry before I even told Brett.
The journal entry is what expressed it to him some of what I needed to say. We both know I need to say a whole lot more.
Thinking about it today... Brett and I have thought it out and it's scary.
I've only been out of the house in over six months twice without him or my mother when going somewhere.
I didn't think I was that bad. I went to therapy by myself once because Brett and I got into an argument. And then the other time, he was out of cigarettes and I went to the gas station to get him a pack.
That's it. That worries me even more then what I already was about myself. How do I even begin changing this?
I go see the therapist on the 8th of September. That seems so far away though but it's the soonest I could get in.
The only thing I'm sure of right now is that I'm not suicidal. I don't want to die. In fact, death scares me.
Every time I think I'm getting better, I'll start panicking again. I feel like I'm trapped. Being backed into a corner. I don't want anyone here other then Aurora and Brett. I don't want to talk to friends on the phone. I have had a panic attack over needing to call Courtney back.
Hell, I had a panic attack right after having sex with Brett while he was still in me a couple of days ago! What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel like he's going to leave. That something is going to happen that I won't be able to spend time with him anymore or even have him in my life. I'm becoming paranoid about it.
I'm getting worse and worse. Clingier and clingier. I'm trying to change it but everything I do fails.
Except cutting. It makes me concentrate on that and calms me down. I can think more clearly right after I do it. But then I get mad and feel guilty. And I do it again and again and again and again until something makes me stop. It's usually a thought concerning promise I made to my dad the morning he died when I was heading out the door. Then I feel guilty and filthy and just want to do it all over again or worse.
Even going out on the porch at night waiting for him to get home, I'm getting paranoid and scared of the people walking by and I don't understand or know why. I know the fear is there though.
Last night, I saw his car pass and him park. I saw a dark figure coming down the sidewalk and couldn't tell whether it was him or not so I ducked behind the corner of the porch so if it wasn't, I would just blend into the blackness of the shadows.
I don't like being like this. I don't want to be. I force myself to go to the grocery store with Brett and go onto the porch at night with him or waiting for him because I don't want to be one of those people who can't leave their house because of fear and anxiety. That's not me.
This isn't me!
And after pouring all this out over a time span of three hours while dealing with Aurora, I want to hide. I want a box cutter. I would settle for any kind of blade. But I can't. NO MORE KILLING BUTTERFLIES!
I'm about to go get a Nala kitty so I'm not alone.
But before I do stop typing I want to admit something. Today, I was pondering my whole wanting to cut urge. I do it because it helps me concentrate, calm me, it makes me feel like I have some kind of control, and so many other reasons. Most times people use cigarettes for some of the same reasons. I think that's more harmful then me cutting. I'm safe about it for the most part, even in my rage and anger. I have to wonder, what's wrong with me self-harming? It's not hurting anyone else physically. I heal fast, don't have many scars and I've never gotten an infection from it.
I don't know if I believe it's wrong or not. All I know at this moment is that society thinks it is wrong. My family thinks it is wrong. My friends think it is wrong. And I don't want Aurora to ever pick up the habit.
How do I stop doing something that I don't feel is wrong?
PRIVATE ENTRY
04:59 Aug 22 2008
Times Read: 1,046
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
The Butterfly Mission14:02 Aug 20 2008
Times Read: 1,067
Here are my butterflies. They're not allowed dying. I'll try getting a better picture here in a little.
03:12 Aug 20 2008
Times Read: 1,075
I think this song can say more then I can about what I feel right now. I'm crying as I sing it. I can't stand that Brett doesn't hate me for what I did. I don't want forgiveness. I don't deserve it. He's just happy that I didn't keep it in. But I can't start this up again. I can't! Before yesterday the last time I cut myself was 2 years 1 month and one day before then. I just I feel so lost. I can't concentrate. I can't do anything right. I hate myself. I can't even stand myself. I can't stand my dreams. I just want to disappear. I want to hide. I can't handle everything that's happening around me. I can't handle all the criticism. I can't handle all the insults. I can't handle my own hateful words let alone the mind games.
Cut - Plumb
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut
I am going to make this a public entry. Not because I feel like I owe anyone an explanation. But because it's a part of me that I'm struggling with. I know other people on this site have the same problems, some of them my friends. I want this to be public and I know that with that, I am taking the negative comments too. I'll leave them but don't expect me to read them.
03:14 Aug 19 2008
Times Read: 1,084
I did something today. I'm ashamed of myself for giving in. I don't deserve forgiveness. I know I don't.
05:12 Aug 17 2008
Times Read: 1,112
I"m completely drunk riught now. I arte a hamjburger froim WEndy's and the ketchup tried to eat my face and my cvhin was cold frolm the frostyyy but i didnt like the sppoon cause it was mean to me. IT gort in my hair. THe letuced tried to go up my nose though and it burned. I think I hafd too m uch tonight. I"m all gigglllly and things. WE went to chriss after the reception'.
I had two screwdrivedrs. Tweo jack wioth coke. Seven shots of aq sweet vodka. Two tootie fruities. A half cup of tequla. and a triple shoit of soiur bitter vodka.
And I stuck a dollar bill down one of the brides nmaiod'"s dreesses and felt her tit as I did! LoL! THe ladt behind BRett and me was shocked.
GOOd news is i cant feelll m,y legs right now.....
17:39 Aug 15 2008
Times Read: 1,118
I can't make it to the wedding rehearsal until about five o'clock because Brett had to go to work on morning shift today. My mother just got irritated with me because I don't want to go with them. I want to go with Brett and I told him that I would be here when he did come home. I'm not going to leave and him probably think something is wrong and not know where to even go at the park. I won't do that to him. He doesn't know this area and I'm not going to force him to miss out.
I told my mom what time we would probably be there by... and all she had to say was "well, we'll be gone by then. So will Uncle Steve and ..."
The list just went on and on. You know what? I wouldn't be even attempting to go to this thing if it wasn't for Aunt Gina going to be there. I'm only going because of her and Lil' Marsh.
I don't care to be around the rest of the family. I feel trapped as it is without being criticized for every little thing I do or say or am. I hate it. I feel like I'm being backed into a corner and that it's life or death at times. That's not normal. It's not how family is supposed to make you feel.
I keep thinking right now that I should just listen to my thoughts that want to give up on living around here... just bail and go somewhere else. I bet Brett would love that! Sadly, I would probably love it more then him.
I never did fit in with my family. I never did fit in around here. I'm just taking up space to these people, the horrible part is some of my family thinks that way about me too.
I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of depression. I'm tired of my anxiety. Hell, I'm tired of crying and getting upset after turning away from someone because I don't want them to see me cry. I don't want them to know their opinion of me matters. It doesn't really when it's strangers... but with my family it's another story. I never fit in.
As sad as it sounds, I just want to fit in somewhere for once.
I had that in Nashville and gave it up...
And for what?
For thoughts of cutting and harm to come back? For insults from family that know they're getting to me? For drama and insecurity?
I had some self-confidence and motivation in Nashville. It wasn't much but I still had some. I could approach people I never talked to and be fine. I could go through Opry Mall and be fine even though it was packed from wall to wall with people.
It didn't matter down there that I didn't do drugs or drink. It didn't matter if I wanted to be antisocial for a couple of days. I fit in. With everyone from every walk of life you could think of... I actually fitted in.
I miss that. I want that. I want some security back in my life.
I just want to feel happy again...
Physical Therapy
20:15 Aug 14 2008
Times Read: 1,127
Its official. I'm getting night braces for my legs on the 26th. I'm so not looking forward to getting them. Right now it seems that as each day of therapy passes, my legs are hurting more and more. I've been having cramps and muscle spasms. Walking with my toes in is causing pain in my back, hips, legs, and feet. My muscles are deformed and fused together like they shouldn't be and it feels like I'm trying to pry them apart with every step I take. I'm just trying to keep up with doing it all. Where my physical therapy at is nice. I like my doctor, the staff at the P.T. place, and especially the people.
My doctor isn't questioning my description of the pain in my legs. He knows what's going on about my heelcords tightening. It feels good and reassuring that he knows I'm having the pain and the problems.
The staff are caring, which is odd for where I'm at. Most P.T. places have staff that are always rushing and get really impatient with people. The staff members that I've met make jokes to lighten the mood, make small talk, are very patient, and will even take extra time to help you out. The one lady who was stepping in the help one of the guys actually got about two feet in the water to show him how to do a certain stretch even though she was in her work outfit of a skirt and blouse. I like that about the place. It makes you want to keep going back.
As for the people who are going there. It doesn't matter who you are, they don't treat you any different. They've seen my nails painted black, my outfits here and there, and heard me talking about how bondage pants actually help some in winter with the pain in my legs. They still talk to me the same. One older lady asked me what bondage pants were and I explained them to her. LOL! But I guess it doesn't matter what stereotype you are once you're in pain in a heated pool with a whole bunch of strangers that are in pain too.
Next week is just as busy as this week though. I'm getting worn out by trying to make all of these appointments and keep them. I have therapy on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Brett has his interview for AT&T (the last one to know whether he has the job or not), on Thursday. And Aurora's doctor appointment on Friday, along with her WIC appointment. On top of that people are supposed to be working on my kitchen throughout the week. I hope they're not expecting Brett to help them too much.
I'm Getting A Divorce
19:37 Aug 08 2008
Times Read: 1,144
I have so much to do that I don't even know where to start. Maybe this is what Brett feels like when I tell him to clean. Right now I don't see it as being that bad and then I start and it just depresses me.
Any suggestions?
Next week is going to be insane. There's so much that has to be done and places to go.
I have therapy on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Aurora has an appointment on Thursday right after my therapy. Brett has to switch shifts on Friday for work. We have a rehearsal dinner to go to on Friday after I get Aurora ready and pick him up from work. And then on Saturday, we have a wedding to go to, plus I'm supposed to go see Courtney that night.
About last night... my mind is still stuck on the words "I'm getting a divorce." I can't comprehend it all.
We saw them the night before and everything was fine. Brett spit sweet tea over them. I dumped water on him. And our friend threw the bottle at Brett. She was laughing with us and everything else.
I don't want Brett and me ending up like that. I really don't. It just made me paranoid about losing him again. It made me rethink getting married.
It just made me think...
I learned over two years ago, how fast you can lose someone.
I don't want Brett and me to end though. I really don't.
I'm so much like her though. There's only one BIG difference... I have a conscious. I can't cheat. I wouldn't be able to deal with myself.
Hell, even when it's agreed upon, it still seems like cheating to me.
I'm going to stop typing now. I don't care to put my thoughts out there for everyone. Not yet...
Cunts Suck!
04:58 Aug 08 2008
Times Read: 1,149
I'm back into lurking tonight. If you need me, I'm here. I don't know how long I'm going to be lurking for.
Our friend is getting a divorce. He's going to be fighting for his kids. Tomorrow I'm probably going to talk to my mom to see if he can move in with Brett and me for a month or a little more.
He works. I like being around him. He's been there for me.
For fuck sakes, she called the cops and told them he hurt his own child! He would never do that!
All because she wants her fuck buddy to move in... probably tonight!
Fuckin' cunt!
Feet Problems
17:31 Aug 06 2008
Times Read: 1,163
Brett and I talked last night a while after he got home. I'm still mad at him. At least he understands where I'm coming from. There was a little bit of a misunderstanding as to him thinking I already told our friend it was okay.
We got to talk a little bit about what's on my mind. I'm scared of having to get surgery again. I know I'm probably not going to be able to prolong it forever. I'm scared. He doesn't know how to take it or deal with it. He's never had anything like that done.
I remember that for the first couple of weeks after I got the surgery the first time, every step I took it felt like my heelcord was snapping. I remember my first time trying to walk to the living room at my old house to see my dad, every step I took while holding onto furniture I was yelling out in pain.
I don't want that again. I'm terrified that I'm going to have to get it done.
I had my first day of physical therapy today. They think they can help me. My legs are killing me right now. They really don't like what they see with my feet.
On Friday, they're going to do the pool therapy with me and then the same stretching exercises. Also they're going to talk to my doctor about night braces for at least my right leg and possibly braces to wear throughout the day.
My mom's already warned me that they're going to hurt. That's why they asked me if I'm willing to wear them and even asked two more times after that.
I DON'T WANT SURGERY! Oh course I will wear them. If I can't sleep, I'll sleep when I near extreme exhaustion... I learned that back when I had the surgery done.
I'm seriously worried, seriously scared and my legs hurt worse then usual for this time of day when I haven't even really done anything.
Is this what I really, really want?
03:46 Aug 06 2008
Times Read: 1,173
Our anniversary's tomorrow, so I wanted to spend time with him tonight. Yeah, I've got jack fuckin' shit! Gee, thanks Brett... you got to help everyone besides your own fiance. Maybe that's why I always got into pissy moods and we never had any money in Nashville. God, how many people did we have living there in a two bedroom apartment? For fuck sakes, know when to stop helping people and help one of the ones that is supposed to mean the most to you.
Tomorrow's already blown. I have therapy in the morning, my first session of it. My Grandma is watching Aurora for me for a while because of how much I'm going to be hurting. Yeah, I'm going to want to spend time and talk tomorrow. Sure...
All I wanted to do tonight was spend some fuckin' time together since Tyler is probably coming home tomorrow or the next day, play some flippin' magic, and talk.
No, can't happen. Can't ever happen when it needs to. I always have to get to the point I can't take it anymore before I can get some help.
A friend calls and says "I need to talk" and you immediately leave.
I say it and it gets put off.
I'm going to go get a shower and go to bed. I'm sure I'm going to need all the sleep I can get before 9 a.m. which I don't even know where the hell I'm going or if it's approved for the place they're sending me. Great, huh? I didn't even get to tell him that.
Maybe Some Progress?
22:13 Aug 05 2008
Times Read: 1,181
Today is one of those days I wish I had a girlfriend. Like that's ever going to happen unless I accept myself. But there's qualities that only a woman has that a man never obtains in life that I've even seen.
And don't take this the wrong way, I'm happy with Brett. I think only another person who is bisexual or has experimented is going to get my frame of mind right now.
Speaking of Brett though, tomorrow is our two year anniversary. It's insane to think we've been together for two years. It so doesn't seem like it. Some days it feels like we've been together for longer because of how well we know each other. And other days, it feels like we just started dating because of how much we don't know about the other.
One problem with us is we both don't remember some things from the past in details. We don't want to remember them.
But then something happens and it comes crashing down. The other is left to wonder what the hell triggered it while they're comforting the one panicking.
It just leaves us with more questions and cuddled up together as close as we can get.
I'm happy I'm with him.
This is when I can honestly say thank you Tommy and Britany. I don't think I would ended up with Brett unless everything unfolded the way it did.
I know you two will probably see this so yeah... Thanks!
PRIVATE ENTRY
04:59 Aug 05 2008
Times Read: 1,184
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
Sing From Your Heart!
18:08 Aug 03 2008
Times Read: 1,192
I've got Aurora trying to sing going "La-la-la-laa-la-la" and things. It's so cute!
I need to try to get it on tape or something. She doesn't like trying to do it when other people are around and what not. Brett heard her the one night and was surprised by it. LOL!
The wonders of the baby life...
COMMENTS
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mysticwinds
23:51 Aug 31 2008
I do not repeat what goes on in the family hon.
If that was the case your cousin Sherry and her calling me 22 times in one day would fill my journal for the month 3 times.
I am dealing with my own problems at this time.
mysticwinds
23:56 Aug 31 2008
This will work it self out. I can do nothing nor say nothing of it. September is full of classes, meditation and the therapy I need for my back.
The pain is trying me insane and all I can do is walk walk walk. Plus I am working on a Presdiental campaign....I am so tied up with my own life and my son maybe leaving soon for Iraq. My mind is muddled enough.
But I do wish all the highest & best
Loves ya